


Emotion, Yet Peace

by chainsawdog



Series: Order Abandoned [20]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-05 16:15:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12193323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chainsawdog/pseuds/chainsawdog
Summary: Anakin has unsuccessfully tried to forget what Obi-Wan said to him onMortis. After their mission together on Lola Sayu, Anakin has fled from the Temple to seek refuge in Padmé's apartment. He's refused to talk to Obi-Wan, leaving him confused and concerned for Anakin's health. So Obi-Wan follows, hoping to at least get an explanation from Anakin.Directly after the Citadel arc.





	1. Chapter 1

Anakin lay curled on the satin sheets of Padmé’s bed, his hands pressed against his eyes. He had fled the Temple once it seemed he wouldn’t be missed.  
  
The noise had started in the speeder on his way to Padmé’s apartments, and it hadn’t stopped. Anakin knew it was just in his head, but it was so loud, so hard to ignore. These memories haunted him; all the voices, all the sounds, all the screaming.  
  
All that death…  
  
_And you could have prevented it,_ Obi-Wan’s voice echoed in his mind.  
  
A remnant of that fierfek planet, Anakin told himself. Just forget it. But there was no shaking it. The memory was seared into his mind, like so many others. Like his childhood. There were some things that wouldn’t be forgotten.  
  
Anakin could see, now, just how fragile he truly was. After Anakin had escaped the strange planet, he'd found he could see the Force essences more clearly.  
  
This terrified him. Reflected in this strange vision of himself, Anakin could see the cracks and flaws that were him.  
  
Anakin had thought he was strong. He thought that he was in control, that he would be eventually able to live the life he wanted. Now he could see himself, and he saw a vase that had shattered long ago. One that had been put back together imprecisely; the work of a child. Had he always been like this?  
  
Anakin had grown up in a state of constant, gnawing fear. That was the life of a slave. Fear became background noise. Sometimes his friends disappeared. Others left corpses. If Anakin made a mistake, that would happen to him. To his mother. So he made himself important. He made himself useful.  
  
Shmi had taught him to be kind; to help people and care for others. That had gotten Anakin into trouble more than once. Kindness was foreign to slave owners. As long as Anakin was the one who suffered for his actions, he was okay with punishment. It hurt, of course, but it would hurt more if someone else was hurt because of him. Shmi’s pride in his stubborn nature had only served to encourage him. In little ways, Anakin was able to fight his masters.  
  
When Anakin had joined the Order he’d done his best to kill that part of himself. His impulsiveness, his anger, his fear; all of these things made him volatile. All these things fed the Council’s belief that he was dangerous. In turn, he was less valuable to the Jedi. More disposable.  
  
Yet he couldn't kill it completely. After a time Anakin had decided if he was dangerous, it would be the kind of dangerous that helped others. Surely the Jedi would find value in that.  
  
Anakin was so lost in his own thoughts that he almost didn’t notice Padmé’s surprise as she answered the door of her apartment.  
  
“Obi-Wan!”  
  
Anakin tried to make himself small.  
  
“Padmé,” said Obi-Wan, his voice slightly muffled from the other room. Anakin couldn’t help but focus on the conversation. He couldn’t stop himself from listening when Obi-Wan or Padmé spoke. “Is Anakin here? He… I wanted to talk to him but he’s not at the Temple.”  
  
“He’s asleep,” said Padmé. “And even if he wasn’t, I don’t think he would be able to talk right now.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“You didn’t see him when he left the Temple, did you?”  
  
“No,” said Obi-Wan.  
  
Anakin wasn’t sure if the concern in Obi-Wan's voice was real, or if Anakin was just being hopeful.  
  
“Is he okay?”  
  
There was a break in the conversation. Gentle footsteps told Anakin that Padmé and Obi-Wan were moving through the apartment, probably to sit down.  
  
“When he came here he could barely speak,” said Padmé. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this bad before. He’s suffering, Obi-Wan, but he won’t speak to me about it. Do you have any idea what caused this?”  
  
“He hasn’t told me anything,” said Obi-Wan.  
  
He spoke softly enough that Anakin had to strain to listen. Even with his eyes shut, Anakin found he could almost see Obi-Wan and Padmé in the other room. There were flickers of colour outlining their forms. Concentrating, Anakin enhanced his hearing with the Force. It was a technique he rarely used, but it was so easy to focus on Padmé and Obi-Wan.  
  
“Oh, Ani,” Padmé sighed, and her voice was as clear as if she were beside him. “What happened?”  
  
“I am worried that it is something I did, but cannot remember,” said Obi-Wan. Padmé looked at him, surprised. “There was – well, it’s rather hard to explain. A planet, I suppose, only it wasn’t quite there.”  
  
Padmé let Obi-Wan gather his thoughts.  
  
“I recall a mist settling as I searched for Anakin, and then… nothing. Nothing until I woke in the shuttle. And since, I’ve had a strange pain in my shoulder. I’ve looked – I even had the healers check for me. There’s no wound there.”  
  
“How strange,” said Padmé. “Did you ask Anakin what happened? Maybe he remembers more than you.”  
  
Obi-Wan shook his head. In his imagination, Anakin saw the messy way that Obi-Wan’s hair fell across his face.  
  
“I was afraid,” said Obi-Wan. There was sadness in his voice. “All I could feel was darkness. I fear I did something unforgivable.”  
  
Tears streamed down Anakin’s face. He pulled his senses back to himself. In the moments before he opened his eyes, Anakin saw himself. The edges of his flaws seemed to be tinged with gold. Anakin couldn’t say what that might mean. He got to his feet, swaying slightly, and made his way slowly to the other room.  
  
Padmé let out a soft exclamation when she saw him. She got to her feet and took his arm in her hands. Her touch was warm, and Anakin felt her love radiate through his body. She kissed his cheek, wiping away his. She helped him to the couch, but he stayed standing, looking down at Obi-Wan.  
  
“You don't know,” he said hoarsely.  
  
“Know what?” Obi-Wan asked.  
  
“What you said. What you did.”  
  
Obi-Wan looked into Anakin’s red eyes and shook his head. Anakin held his gaze, terrified to find any hint of falsehood. He found none. Obi-Wan was telling the truth.  
  
Anakin practically fell onto the couch. He curled up, laying his head in Obi-Wan’s lap. Padmé stroked his hair. At first, Obi-Wan didn’t move. Then he seemed to relax, and put a hand on Anakin’s shoulder.  
  
“I thought you hated me,” he said quietly.  
  
Anakin shook his head. “I could never hate you, Obi-Wan,” he said.  
  
The noise in his head was quieter, now. Maybe, with help, he could learn to weather these storms.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been so long since Anakin had let Obi-Wan touch him that he trembled with anticipation. He let out a whimper and saw Obi-Wan’s lips twitch with a smile.  
  
The two of them were together in Obi-Wan’s quarters, Anakin sitting on Obi-Wan’s bed. Obi-Wan stood between his legs.  
  
Force, he’d missed this.  
  
“Stay still, Anakin,” Obi-Wan said.  
  
Anakin bit his lip and tried not to squirm in his seat.  
  
Obi-Wan unclipped Anakin’s belt, and Anakin had to stop himself from reaching out to take Obi-Wan’s hands. Obi-Wan seemed to notice Anakin’s eagerness, and his smile grew.  
  
“Patience, Anakin,” he said.  
  
“Obi-Wan –”  
  
Anakin was interrupted as Obi-Wan touched a finger to Anakin’s lips. Anakin tried to bite him, but Obi-Wan’s reflexes were too fast. He snatched his hand away, and Anakin pouted.  
  
Usually Anakin was in charge, but he had to force himself to let Obi-Wan stay in control. More than he wanted to pounce on Obi-Wan, Anakin wanted to let Obi-Wan know he had his trust.  
  
“Lay back, Anakin,” said Obi-Wan, as he removed Anakin’s tunic. Anakin did as he was told, biting his lip as Obi-Wan climbed onto his lap. Obi-Wan brushed his fingers lightly against Anakin’s chest, asking where he was injured.  
  
Anakin smiled. “It’s fine now,” he said. “I’m okay.”  
  
Obi-Wan kissed Anakin, and Anakin let out a small moan.  
  
“I love you, Anakin,” said Obi-Wan. “Never forget that.”  
  
Anakin gave up being patient, and expertly flipped Obi-Wan onto his back. Straddling him, Anakin leaned close to whisper something.  
  
“I know,” he said, and tugged on Obi-Wan’s earlobe with his teeth.  
  
Anakin felt warm and calm, and he smiled, nuzzling Obi-Wan's neck with his nose. As Anakin leaned back to look at Obi-Wan, he saw that Obi-Wan's eyes were wide with what looked like shock.  
  
“What’s wrong?” he asked.  
  
“N-nothing,” said Obi-Wan. “Did you feel that?”  
  
Anakin tilted his head to one side. “Feel what?”  
  
“That… I felt a peace I’ve never known before,” Obi-Wan said quietly. “But I don’t think it came from me. Anakin… I think I felt… your feelings.”  
  
“That’s not unusual for a Jedi, Obi-Wan,” said Anakin.  
  
“No, it wasn’t as if I were sensing them, Anakin,” said Obi-Wan. “I felt them.” There were tears in his eyes. “Do you truly love me that much?”  
  
Anakin smiled, nodding his head, lost for words.  
  
“How were you able to share this with me?” Obi-Wan asked, propping himself up on his elbows.  
  
Anakin laughed. “I don’t know, Obi-Wan,” he said fondly. “But maybe we can talk about it later?”  
  
He pushed Obi-Wan back, and leaned forward to kiss him.


	3. Chapter 3

“I have to leave soon, Padmé,” Anakin said quietly.  
  
Padmé nodded silently, and kissed Anakin’s cheek. Anakin ran his fingers through Padmé’s hair.  
  
It was night. A cool breeze wound through Padmé’s apartment. Anakin and Padmé sat together, having eaten dinner only a moment ago. Obi-Wan had been unable to attend.  
  
Anakin was surprised at himself. After so much had happened, he’d managed to find peace with both Padmé and Obi-Wan. There was still some pain in his heart from the strange planet, but he knew that it was not Obi-Wan’s fault. Those words hadn’t come from him, not really.  
  
“You seem happy, my love,” said Padmé. She smiled at him. “Did you and Obi-Wan make up?”  
  
Anakin put his arm around Padmé, holding her close. “It’s a little of that,” he said. “But I’m also just wildly in love with you.”  
  
Padmé rested her head on his shoulder. “Aren’t you charming?” she laughed. Then she went quiet, and snuggled closer to him. “I miss you every time you go away, Ani,” she said quietly.  
  
Anakin took her hand in his, and stroked his thumb across it. “I’m sure a day will come where we won’t ever have to be apart again, Padmé,” he said gently.  
  
“Mm,” said Padmé. “I hope so.”


End file.
